So In Love

Something happened recently that shook the foundations of my very being, the very center of my existence. The very thing that I hold most important in all the universe above any and all else was brought into question, and not merely whether or not I had personally experienced it or whether or not it was even important, but the question was actually whether or not this thing that I hold so dear even existed at all. That thing that makes up so much of who I am, which has caused wars and raised cities, that fabled and sometimes inconceivable notion which we call... love.

Needless to say I was beside myself.

I have had people question my experience, I had been told that my love is not true love, but never have I been told flatly that the emotion doesn't even exist.

Well, even with this I still believe it does and as crazy as this sounds, it is because of how much pain I have suffered because of it.

I fell in love with a very dear friend of mine (a couple of very dear friends to be honest... I think maybe I fall in love too easily. *sigh* Oh well!). He was not in love with me and had given me no reason to love him but somehow something in me yearned for him with such ferocity that I could barely function. At first I thought this may be the result of a physical attraction, but the thought of sleeping with him actually kind of creeped me out. Then I thought that maybe what i was experiencing was just infatuation. Maybe I like the idea of him but not actually him but the more I thought about the deeper I fell into emotion and eventually I realized that he was the first thing I thought about when I woke up in the morning and the last thing I thought about when I went to sleep and a horrible final thought dawned upon me and that was the realization that it was not a sexual attraction, it was not a meaningless infatuation, I was in love with this boy and it was driving me insane. I, for the next several months, went through an array of emotions, most of which were excruciatingly painful, but all because of one thing; I loved him, and he did not love me back.

This somewhat brings me to my point. Love is commonly misinterpreted as a happy thing, when in reality it is capable of being quite the opposite. I know love exists because if something doesn't exist it can't very well cause you pain, can it? That would be like dreaming you fell down and waking up with a skinned knee as a result of the image your brain projected. The surface you "fell" upon doesn't actually exist, nor did the action occur to result in the injury. It simply cannot occur, but in this case I was in severe pain. My chest ached, my body hurt, I felt like I had eaten a smorgasbord but still felt somehow like I was starving to death. I got extremely ill at one point and lost 25 pounds and couldn't eat or sleep. There were times I would actually cry so hard that I wouldn't be able to breathe.

Now, I believe this is the result of love, not that I had actually experienced it in any true form, but I loved him and he loved another woman, and so not only did I have unrequited emotional needs, but I was watching him express them for another person.

This is when I learned one of the most important lessons I feel I have ever learned and at this point I am going to turn to my actual journal and place an entry;

3/18/08 (12:25am)

"...Glass... It's all glass. Transparent and impenetrable. I look out and watch her live my fantasy.

She gazes up at him, his eyes sparkling with nothing but her. He smiles, she follows suit. He holds her close. She gets on her tip toes to bridge the few remaining inches between his lips and hers. Heaven.

The snow dances around them to the refrain of their hearts song.

I'm alone. The soul witness to to their passion, the soul victim to their torture and at the end of the day, no one cares but me...

...Glass... Transparent and impenetrable. Dooming me to watch but never touch. Everything a few feet away but always on the other side, just out of reach. A glass shell, a glass wall, a glass relationship. So easy to break, but impossible to fully restore."

That's it. love is glass. It is a fragile thing. It is beautiful and ethereal and at the same time capable of stabbing and cutting what you are into the most unrecognizable pieces that you don't even know what you are anymore.

The truth is that this scares me. I am afraid to love and I suppose rightfully so, but who is to say.
I do believe in love and nothing anyone can ever say or do will convince me otherwise, and to the disbeliever to whom I dedicate this blog (you know who you are) I will show you love, because that is who I am at my center.

Until next time:
Live to the Fullest
Light up the World
and above all,
Dream Impossible Dreams